It’s hard to believe how many good people we have lost, just in this past month, and had you asked me before who my favorite actresses are, I am not sure that Diane Keaton would have made the list. Yet, when I got the news that she had passed, I was and am truly sad. She brought such a force and warmth to all her roles. From the Godfather to Annie Hall to Reds to Father of the Bride to Book Club, you felt her presence. She could steal a scene and she could (and did) support her castmates.
I’ve chosen Lesley Gore’s You Don’t Own Me for a few reasons, some related to Diane Keaton and some related to me. Keaton starred in the 1996 film The First Wives’ Club with Bette Midler and Goldie Hawn. Incidentally all three actresses are the same age, all born in 1945. That makes them all about 51 when the film was made and as you can see from the video that I am including, they all look great. Funny to think of them playing cast-offs.
That’s the basic premise, that these vibrant individuals were taken for granted in one way or another and left by men in their lives. The movie opens with a suicide of their school friend, Cynthia, after her ex-husband marries a younger woman. Our three reunite at Cynthia’s funeral and see the parallels in their lives and in their departed friend’s death. In the process of getting justice in regards to their own ex-husbands, these three women rediscover their friendships, their strengths and their self-respect and purpose. It’s a complete chick flick and I love it. I saw it in the theatre with my dear friend, Debbie, and my (now ex) husband.
Debbie and I absolutely loved it (of course) We left the theatre singing (cue the below video) and spinning. We had a great time- my ex? Not so much. It wasn’t just that the film wasn’t his cup of tea, he truly hated the song, the movie, but especially the phrase, “You don’t own me.” At the time he and I been married just a year and we were blissfully happy, so even though we got into a fight over that phrase which carried on into the evening, I didn’t give it a lot of thought that night or for decades to come. Later during the divorce, that’s when I remembered Lesley Gore’s 1963 song from the film, that’s when it really clicked for me and that’s when I added it to my Spotify. How much of my marriage had been what I brought to it, what I could do for the partnership and how we were seen? How much of the grief and pain that my ex went through was the loss of me, Erika, and how much was what I represented? Was I a possesion, a commodity to be owned or a person to be missed?
Okay, that’s why the song reasonated to me. Why then did I choose this song and this film out of all of Keaton’s amazing works? I think that part of it is that of all her generation of actresses she was never a wife. She chose not to marry. She chose to adopt her son and her daughter. She chose her roles and stuck fiercely to her principles on everything from costume choices to plastic surgery to feminism and the role of women in film. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy men or have long term, loving relationships, she simply chose to be herself. Keaton’s character, Annie, in the film has the opportunity to reconcile with her ex and after battling self-esteem issues the entire film, she chooses herself. She isn’t angry, she’s Annie and she’s independent. Diane Keaton struck me as very independent. And kind. And smart. And joyful. Most of all, she was brave. So, I leave you with this adorable version of Diane, center stage, singing You Don’t Own Me with two other amazing women.
Thanks, Diane. I am so happy to have this memory of you and of the younger me. Better than that, I get to be the me of today and I think your work had a little part in that. I want to be brave, too.
You don’t own me
I’m not just one of your many toys
You don’t own me
Don’t say I can’t go with other boys
And don’t tell me what to do
Don’t tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display ’cause
You don’t own me
Don’t try to change me in any way
You don’t own me
Don’t tie me down ’cause I’d never stay
I don’t tell you what to say
I don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you
I’m young, and I love to be young
I’m free, and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
And don’t tell me what to do
Oh, don’t tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display
I don’t tell you what to say
Oh, don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you
I’m young, and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
