Yes, it appears I have a problem with alliteration. I hear there are twelve step programs for people like me. It’s just…alliteration is fun and it simply rolls off of the tongue. Easy peasy.
Moving on then. Let’s talk about wine. My boyfriend and I were recently on an Alaskan cruise and we frequented the same bars each night because that’s part of my wine strategy (more on that to come). I am, as all my friends and family will confirm, a very chatty person. I really do like people and I love making new friends. I am the kind of person that can be walking through London (I’m from Sonoma County) and I will run into someone that I know. True story. Anyhow, we got to know the other bar patrons, as one does, and it was interesting to hear their comments on wine as they knocked back their Coors Light. By that I mean, how they really didn’t like it. Me being me, I asked them what had shaped their opinions. I’ve asked this many times over the years. The answers are always interesting.
Usually the answer comes in one of two forms. First, many people do not feel comfortable with the whole topic of wine. They feel intimidated, insecure, and they worry about making an ass of themselves by ordering the “wrong” thing or being judged for saying the “wrong” thing. Second, they just haven’t had positive experiences with wine. In short, as with my Alaskan Cruise Friends, they are pretty sure that they don’t like it.
Let’s break these down starting with the first concern… making an ass of oneself. When it comes to wine, there are NO WRONG ANSWERS! You, my friend, are the expert in the most important category of all. You are an expert, in fact the expert, on your palette. At the end of the day that is all the expertise that one needs in wine. Sure, it’s fun to learn about wine. It’s fun to discover delightful pairings. It’s fascinating to learn and then taste how environmental factors affect the taste and smell of wine: soil, weather, aging, the food you eat with the wine. That is all well and good. However, if you do not like a wine then it does not matter if some sommelier loved it. It does not matter that the bottle retailed for $500. For you, it’s a crappy wine. Likewise, you may be the only person who loves the wine and it cost $5 a bottle. Then for you it’s a great wine. In wine your opinion is the only one that matters. No one knows your taste buds like you. So state your opinion with confidence and pride. You aren’t wrong.
Moving on to the second very valid complaint, which says wine doesn’t taste good. Ouch. To repeat, I do not know your palette so it may be that you are correct and wine is icky. My reply would be, but has the wine you’ve tried been worthy of you? I have seen this time and time again when people order a glass of wine. Wine, my dear friends, is ephemeral. It has a season and a shelf life. Chances are VERY good that when you order wine at a bar or restaurant it has seen its best days already, like last week. I have sent back so very many glasses of wine because it had turned. It was well on its way to becoming vinegar. No one wants vinegar. No one wants to pay $15 a glass for something that will give you heartburn, doesn’t taste good and/or brings on a headache. No wonder you don’t like wine. I don’t like that wine either.
So, how do you order a glass of wine that stands a fair chance of being in its best days and palatable? The easiest thing is to ask for a taste. Any bar or restaurant worth their salt will give you a sample before you order. If you like it, great! Order a glass with all worries allayed. If you don’t then you face a choice, ask for a taste of a different wine or order something else like a cocktail or a cider. A lot depends on how busy the establishment is. If they are swamped then they are probably not going to take kindly to continued requests, however, if they are not too busy then a second respectful request is likely acceptable. Past three and you best be tipping in cash on each subsequent ask. Once you know that the wine is good, keep ordering that exact wine. That is why my boyfriend and I went to the same bars each night on our cruise. We had scouted out which bottles we liked, those that were fresh and we could go back the next day, order the same wine and know that the wine was at MOST from the previous night.
There are a few other things that will help you. Although red wines typically last in open bottles longer than white wines, they are not refrigerated at the end of the night, whereas white wines are. Oftentimes you have better luck ordering a white wine like a Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc than a medium red like a Merlot or a Pinot Noir which has been sitting out on a counter going bad. The exception to this is if you order an aromatic white like a Viognier or a Pinot Blanc. Aromatics just don’t last, period. Only a fresh bottle will do and by that I mean a bottle opened TODAY. Speaking of opening a bottle, this is your best bet to a great glass of wine. Order a bottle which you will get to taste as it’s opened table side. (Now, I need to caution that the purpose of a table side taste is NOT for your preference. You cannot simply try five or six bottles and send them all away. The purpose of letting you taste the wine is in case the wine is “corked” ((when thinking of corked wines, think musty as in funghi-ish)) or there is some other kind of quality control issue, in which case you would be completely justified sending the wine back. If it’s a screw top wine then tasting is not needed a screw tops do not become corked.) A standard bottle of wine is 750ml which is about four six ounce glasses of wine. That is one each for a party of four or two each for a couple, and if you are dining alone that’s two for you and a bag to bring the rest home if your local laws allow for that. Here in California you need to put the open bottle in your trunk, NOT in your cup holder.
Next tip… order a gateway wine! If you are new to wines then please don’t start with a creamy, oaky Chardonnay or a dry, tannic Cabernet Sauvignon. Work your way up. By that I mean, let’s teach your taste buds about wine. Try a Pinot Grigio or an Albariño, maybe a nice Rosé. If you’ve moved past the whites and want to try out a red, let’s go with a light Gamay Beaujolais or a Grenache. You’ll want something flavorful and with fewer tannins. Also, always remember wine is not for doing shots. It’s meant for food, with friends and over good conversation. So order something you have a reasonable chance of enjoying.
Let’s say you’ve done your best and yet you are staring at a glass in front of you that you just can’t believe you are stuck with. Well, you aren’t stuck with it. You’re a grownup. Be polite, apologize for any trouble, but kindly and firmly explain that the wine is not good and you will need to send it back. You do not have to drink it! Typically restaurants price their wine by the glass so that one glass sold pays for the entire bottle. Send it back! Life is too short to drink bad wine. Make sure it’s been taken OFF your bill. You didn’t drink it, you politely sent it back, so it should not be on your bill. That’s restaurant 101. Lastly, make sure you say thank you to the staff for helping you with your exploration and (if needed) for taking it off the bill. Then tip. That’s guest 101.
Good luck and have fun! If you have any wine questions please leave them in the comments!
